3AM Aboard a Spaceship
by SN1987A - Ritzen
Summary: Characters who only appear in the OP/ED have mundane lives too.
1. Everybody Has to Do Laundry

_originally posted on September 11, 2011 and completed on June 25, 2012_

* * *

><p><strong>Everybody Has to Do Laundry<strong>

-x-

It was an unfortunate fact of life that even admirals of the Harusame had to do their own laundry.

It was also an unfortunate fact of life that said laundry machine was currently malfunctioning.

Kamui had woken up to a pathetically empty closet, where a hundred bare hangers thumbed their noses at him, mocking. After hurling the hangers into space, annoyed and bleary-eyed, he trudged to the laundry room in his bunny-patterned pajamas, lugging his basket of soiled and bloodied outfits. He loaded the washers and remembered Abuto's lecture to pour only one cup of detergent into each machine (how was he supposed to know dumping a whole container would create man-eating bubbles that would do wet things to his clothes and well-being?). He pressed the "start" button.

Nothing happened.

His antenna twitched.

He pressed the button again, and nothing continued to happen. He balled his fist and blasted the washing machine to smithereens, and still nothing happened, except for clothes and metal shards flying out and settling like a cloud of dust around him.

He paused.

Screw laundry. It was a waste of time and effort and emotions. All he had to do whenever he needed clean clothes was to make Abuto buy more. Yes, that was a brilliant plan.

He stalked off to find Abuto.


	2. You Can Run, But You Can't Hide

**You Can Run, But You Can't Hide**

-x-

Sometimes, Takasugi really wanted to destroy the world.

Well, more so than usual at any rate, and this was one of those days. First, the Internet connection on his ship died. Second, the toilets clogged up. Third, they ran out of fuel. So here he was on a remote planet that served as a spaceship gas station, borrowing the public restroom.

"Oh Bakasugi, fancy meeting you here – ahaha hahahaha!"

It was an irritating voice and an irritating laughter, both annoyingly familiar despite the amount of time that had elapsed since they departed on their separate ways at the end of the war. Takasugi glowered at the faucet, furiously scrubbing his hands and refusing to look into the mirror at the reflection of an irrationally cheerful person.

Maybe if he ignored him, he would go away. Sakamoto, that is.

"This reminds me of the good ol' days, when everybody fought together, slept together, and took a dump together. Ahahaha!"

Takasugi turned, wanting to bolt, but discovered, much to his dismay, that Sakamoto was blocking the exit no thanks to that ridiculously tall stature. He twitched. And people wondered why he wanted to destroy the world. You would too, if you spend enough time around idiots you never want to see again.

"... and then Kintoki and I went on this great adventure – "

Yeah, his karma really sucked.


	3. Be Nice to Your Parents

**Be Nice to Your Parents Who Struggle With Computers**

-x-

Takasugi didn't really like computers. They were mystical black boxes that he didn't understand. Or trust. But in the age of fast-moving technology, if people didn't keep up with the pace, they would get left behind like the guy who fell asleep on the toilet while taking a dump and therefore missed his spaceflight, and that certainly wasn't going to help him with his cause of world destruction. Besides, he heard something about the intergalactic network bursting with a wealth of information because people were carelessly posting to these things called "blogs." The name Fumblr came up a lot.

So at the next weekly Kiheitai group meeting, he brought up the topic of investing in a personal computer, but getting one, as it turned out, was more complicated than he'd expected.

"What kind of computer do I want?" Takasugi echoed. "One that I can use."

"Ah no, Shinsuke-sama," Matako said. "I mean, do you want a Doors or an Orange machine?"

Takasugi furrowed his brows. "I don't want doors or oranges. I want a computer."

Takechi piped up. "Can we get broadband Internet access while we're at it? The dial-up we have right now is kind of – "

"Shinsuke," Bansai interrupted. "What do you intend to do with your computer? Security is a vital issue, I daresay."

"I'll simply destroy anyone who tries to take my computer."

"No, I meant cyber security..."

"Broadband Internet – "

"Bansai-senpai, Phoenix machines are on the rise as well, and those don't get viruses or spyware."

Takasugi twitched.

"Phoenix machines are not exactly intuitive for novices, I daresay. Besides – "

"Say no to dial-up – "

"Bansai," Takasugi said suddenly. "Just get me the same computer as yours."


	4. Always Read the Fine Print

**Always Read The Fine Print of Your Job Description Before You Sign The Contract**

-x-

Abuto was sipping tea at the kitchen table and perusing the _Daily Harusame_ when Kamui stumbled in, still half-asleep.

"Food..." Kamui mumbled and yanked open the door of the first fridge, squinting when he saw that it was empty. He rubbed his eyes and squinted again, but it was still empty. He peered over his shoulder at Abuto, who suddenly appeared very engrossed in the crossword puzzle.

Furrowing his brows, Kamui shut the door of the first fridge and shuffled across the room to the second fridge. It, too, was empty. He twitched and slammed the door shut, vowing to kill whoever ate all his food.

There was one more fridge in the kitchen, technically belonging to the samurai, but he vaguely recalled a convenient Earth saying that went something like "Your things are my things." So he opened it. And saw Tupperware. Lots, and lots of Tupperware containers. He could almost hear heavenly music coming from the heavenly fridge filled with heavenly Tupperware. He reached for the closest Tupperware, opened it, and heard the heavenly music screech to a stop like a broken record.

_Stop eating our food. Love, Kiheitai_, said the post-it note at the bottom of the empty container. _PS Don't bother with the other Tupperware._

Kamui crushed the plastic container in his hand, unable to stop smiling at the absurdity of the situation. That's it. Truce was over. He was going to make himself some minced samurai meatball spaghetti.

But before that, he needed to fill his stomach with something else or he would keel over before he made it out the kitchen. He flopped into the nearest chair and collapsed onto the table. His antenna drooped.

"Food..." he squeaked.

Abuto blinked when he looked up from the newspaper and sighed. Since when was "nanny" part of his job description?


	5. On Toilet Paper and Men

**On Toilet Paper And Men**

-x-

Takasugi frowned when he pulled off the last sheet of toilet paper from the cardboard roll. He was pretty sure he'd restocked the toilet paper yesterday. Actually, now that he thought about it, he'd restocked the toilet paper the day before yesterday too. And the day before the day before yesterday.

Was someone eating his toilet paper or something?

He wasn't a woman, so he didn't need toilet paper every single time he used the toilet, but the only woman on board the spaceship was Matako and he was pretty sure she had her own bathroom. Something about men taking too long in the bathroom, or so Matako had muttered after the second morning of sharing a common bathroom way back when. He had no idea about the truth of Matako's statement, since he had his own bathroom as well.

Wait. If he was the only person using this particular facility... who was consuming all the toilet paper?

Takasugi thought really hard. As far as he could remember, he'd never blacked out before, from alcohol or injury or just plain dementia. He enjoyed sake every now and then, but he knew his limit very well and never got drunk. He was too good to suffer head injuries that resulted in unconsciousness. He liked obscure metaphors that involved the word "beast," but it was a metaphor. He was, contrary to popular beliefs and dirty rumors, quite sane.

He narrowed his eyes. Someone was stealing his toilet paper, and he didn't like it.


	6. Always Pay Your Taxes

**Always Pay Your Taxes**

-x-

It was a critical time for the Kiheitai, and Bansai was starting to question his life choices.

He liked his job, he really did. When he was a kid, he'd always wanted to be a killer musician, so he was thrilled when he got the job offer, but 252 episodes and 398 chapters later, he was less thrilled. First, he barely had any screen time. Second, all he did off-screen was paperwork. Third, the paperwork was his boss's taxes.

Okay, he could deal with the small amount of screen time. Quality was more important than quantity anyway. He could also deal with the paperwork. Bureaucracy plagued every job, so it wasn't like anyone could get away from it lest one became a hermit. But the taxes! Why in the world was Takasugi "I Simply Destroy" Shinsuke filing taxes?

Bansai gave the mountain stack of paperwork on his desk a morose look. They had to pay taxes to the district of Kabuki, the city of Edo, and well, the Shogunate that they were supposed to destroy one day. And that was just Earth taxes. There were also taxes for the Interstellar Nations, Intergalactic Nations, Intercluster Nations, Tendou Sect... The universe was kind of a big place.

He sighed, but just as he was about to get back to work, Takasugi strolled into his office and handed him another stack of paper.

"Bansai, investigate the case of the missing toilet paper," Takasugi said.

"No problem, Shinsuke," Bansai replied automatically before his brain short-circuited and he stared blankly at Takasugi's receding figure. Investigate the case of the missing toilet paper? What? Was that what Shinsuke really said?

Never mind his life choices. Bansai was starting to question reality.


	7. See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil

**See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil**

-x-

Takasugi opened his door on the third knock and felt his annoyance rise by a notch when he was obligated to look _up_ to return Abuto's flat stare with another flat stare. He made a mental note to add "Tall People" to The List of Things to Destroy – again – because putting down multiple instances of the same thing would make it happen more quickly. Or something.

"Is that stupid admiral hiding in your room?" Abuto asked.

What?

Takasugi said, "No."

Glancing down the empty hallway of the Kiheitai ship, Abuto sighed and scratched the back of his head. "Where the hell did he go?" he muttered, more toward himself than to Takasugi. He looked at the samurai again. "You sure you haven't seen him today?"

"No." Takasugi paused and amended, "No, I haven't seen him today." He made another note to add "English grammar" to The List of Things to Destroy because Japanese grammar doesn't have this problem. Or something. It was too early in the morning and he hadn't had his daily dose of Things I Have Already Destroyed.

"Sorry to bother you then," Abuto said and turned, halting when Takasugi asked, "What did he do?"

"Eh," said Abuto. "He's avoiding the dentist. The first time he got his teeth cleaned, he went on a rampage afterwards because his jaws hurt so much that he couldn't eat. The next time he was supposed to get his teeth cleaned, he killed the dentist before anything could actually happen. So we drugged his food the time after that, and... well."

_It is one of those... things that we simply do not talk about_, said Abuto's expression.

"He only ate three meals per day for a week after that," Abuto added. "It was seriously disturbing." He glanced at Takasugi. "Bring him to the dentist if you see him, will you?"

Takasugi grunted and returned to his room. Why on earth should he care about that idiot's dental appointment?

But as it turned out, earth was feeling particularly mean that day and decided to point out why he should care: Toilet paper.

He twitched when he saw a paperless toilet roll in the holder just before he was about to take a dump. Bansai really needed to solve the mystery or else. He hadn't thought up what yet, but it'd definitely involve destruction of some sort.

He opened the door to the wall closet where he stored all the toilet paper, and stared and stared and stared. Last he checked, Halloween wasn't until October, and this was June, but there was Kamui, trying to dress up as a toilet paper mummy. There might've been another costume underneath as well, but Takasugi slammed the door shut before his brain could process – or rather, fail to process – the image.

Stalking out of his room, he added another item to The List of Things to Destroy: This fic and the author.

-x-

(END)


End file.
